The Royal Press Champion Decree

WHEREAS the Royal Press Secretary’s chair hath burned through two occupants since August, the last having lasted five (5) days, a record in the realm and possibly in the history of chairs;

WHEREAS the Crown requireth a spokesperson who is “a violent Fighter and Warrior,” for the press corps keeps asking questions, which is treason;

NOW, THEREFORE, We do hereby decree:

1. The noble Dana of the Octagon, Lord of Bloodsport, Keeper of the Cage, is hereby offered the office of Press Secretary of the United States, and he shall bring with him six (6) warriors as “assistants,” for the answering of follow-up questions shall henceforth be a contact sport.
2. Any journalist who asks a question shall be placed inside the Royal Briefing Cage, which is an octagon, and which is located where the briefing room used to be.
3. Peasants who note that the Crown hath begged “Dana, please take the job!” shall be reminded that begging is strong when a king does it.

SO IT IS DECREED.