Royal Decree
Satire by royal decree
Fake proclamations from a fake king. The real demands belong to all of us. And there are a lot more of us than there are of him.
His Majesty, King Donald J. Trump I (and Only)
TO: The Royal Treasury, the Ministry of Truth, the shadow fleet of tankersRE: Diesel, discount His Majesty here announces a NEW DEAL with our dear friend, the Tsar of the East. 300,000 tons of diesel, IMMEDIATELY. Then 500,000 tons in November. Then 1 million tons,…
Royal Phone Support (formerly known as Trump Mobile), by appointment to the Crown
Thank you for contacting Royal Phone Support. Your concern about "Section 214 authorization" has been received and is very important to Us. WHEREAS a senator hath asked who provides Our international service and under what authority, and WHEREAS the answer is "the Crown's authority," which…
"We have no team to handle this." — the king's phone company, to actual hackers. That's a real quote. #NoKings
WHEREAS a judge hath dared to ask why the King charges for announcements that Roosevelt gave away for free, revealing that this judge understands neither business, nor fires; WHEREAS the King's Ministry of Truth (formerly known as "the internet") requires a gift shop, and the…
Franklin Roosevelt never charged for his fireside chats. The King's lawyers say that's basically the same thing. A federal judge didn't buy it. Neither should you. #NoKings
WHEREAS certain cities of the realm, namely Los Angeles and San Diego, have grown insolent in their belief that they are "not expendable," WHEREAS the serfs persist in the subversive notion that the Crown's wars should not cost them their actual homes and families, a…
A president who calls your city an acceptable price isn't protecting you. He's pricing you. No kings.
WHEREAS the people have grown unruly in their demands for "democracy" and "accountability," WHEREAS such demands are a direct threat to the natural order of kings, billionaires, and golf courses, NOW, THEREFORE, We do hereby decree: 1. All protests must now be held in designated…
Meanwhile, 8 million Americans showed up to say "No."
WHEREAS the Crown's treasury hath been depleted by wasteful expenditures such as "public schools," "clean water," and "roads that don't have potholes," WHEREAS the noble billionaire class, the true backbone of Our realm, hath suffered greatly under the burden of paying any taxes at all,…
If we can protest a would-be king, we can tax one. #WealthTaxNow
WHEREAS the concept of "healthcare for all" is a dangerous and subversive notion that threatens the Crown's alliance with the Royal Insurance Guilds, WHEREAS the serfs have grown accustomed to the absurd idea that not going bankrupt from a broken arm is a "right," NOW,…
No kings in the White House… or in your hospital bill. #MedicareForAll
WHEREAS the realm hath been invaded by families seeking "a better life" and "safety from violence", clearly a coordinated assault on Our sovereignty, WHEREAS the Royal Border Guard hath not been funded enough to build a moat of alligators (We are still working on this),…
No kings means no kings of any kind: not in politics, not in police departments. #DefundICE
WHEREAS the Royal Press Corps hath persisted in reporting things that We actually said, which is the highest form of treason, WHEREAS the phrase "fake news" has served the Crown well but must now be codified into law, NOW, THEREFORE, We do hereby decree: 1.…
They came for the press. Then they came for the voters. Then 8 million people showed up.
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