Meet your rulers
The kings, queens, and dukes of the New American Monarchy. They gave themselves the crowns. Together, we can all take them back.
Tech Oligarchs
King Elon of Twitteria, First of His Name, Destroyer of Unions
Systematically dismantled worker protections, platformed authoritarian movements, and turned a public square into a private fiefdom, all while receiving billions in government subsidies.
Behold His Majesty, who purchased a kingdom for $44 billion and ruled it so poorly that even the jesters quit.
Tech Oligarchs
Lord Bezos of Amazonia, Warden of the Warehouse, Crusher of Bladders
Built an empire on worker injury rates double the industry average, anti-union campaigns, and forcing employees to pee in bottles rather than take bathroom breaks.
All hail the Warden, who conquered space before he could give his workers a living wage.
The Royal Family
Queen Ivanka of Grift Mountain, Protector of the Brand
Used her position in the White House to secure trademarks in foreign countries while her father shaped policy affecting those same nations.
Her Majesty's reign over Grift Mountain was cut tragically short by the inconvenience of democracy.
Fossil Fuel Barons
Dark Lord Koch of the Shadow Treasury, Duke of Dark Money
Spent decades funding climate denial, union-busting, and voter suppression through a network of front groups designed to be untraceable.
The Dark Lord rarely appears in public, preferring to rule from the shadows like a proper oligarch.
Tech Oligarchs
Emperor Zuck of Metropolia, Collector of Faces, Lord of the Algorithm
Built a surveillance empire on personal data, enabled genocide through negligence, and pivoted to the "metaverse" when the real world got too regulated.
The Emperor demands your data. All of it. Even the embarrassing searches.
Finance Lords
Grand Duke Dimon of Wall Street, Keeper of the Casino
Led a bank that paid $13 billion in fines for its role in the 2008 financial crisis, then lobbied to roll back the regulations designed to prevent it from happening again.
The Grand Duke assures us that this time, the casino is perfectly safe. Trust him.
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