By royal decree
The Royal Auto-Reply Decree
Royal Phone Support (formerly known as Trump Mobile), by appointment to the Crown
Thank you for contacting Royal Phone Support. Your concern about “Section 214 authorization” has been received and is very important to Us.
WHEREAS a senator hath asked who provides Our international service and under what authority, and WHEREAS the answer is “the Crown’s authority,” which has always been sufficient:
- Your ticket has been escalated to the Royal Ministry of Phones, which does not exist.
- Your deadline of October 29 is noted. The Crown’s deadline for caring is in perpetuity.
- May We interest You in Our $749 telephone, which is identical to a $499 telephone except for the price and the shipping date, which is one year later.
SO IT IS DECREED. (This is also how We answer ransomware groups, senators, and you.)
"We have no team to handle this." — the king's phone company, to actual hackers. That's a real quote. #NoKings