The Free Speech Zones Decree

WHEREAS the people have grown unruly in their demands for “democracy” and “accountability,”

WHEREAS such demands are a direct threat to the natural order of kings, billionaires, and golf courses,

NOW, THEREFORE, We do hereby decree:

1. All protests must now be held in designated Free Speech Zones™, which shall be located exclusively on private property owned by loyal subjects of the Crown.

2. The phrase “No Kings” is hereby banned as slander against the rightful ruler of these United States.

3. Any person caught repeating the phrase “No Kings” shall be sentenced to 10 years of mandatory loyalty oaths, to be administered via Twitter poll.

SO IT IS DECREED.