The Off With Their Wi-Fi Decree

WHEREAS the Crown’s treasury hath been drained for thirty years by peasant luxuries such as “Internet in the classroom,” “Wi-Fi at the library,” and “children who can do their homework,”
WHEREAS the schools of the realm have dared to experiment with a massive increase in screen time, an outrage We pondered for eleven minutes before returning to Our posting,
WHEREAS the peasants wave some “law from 1996” at the Crown and claim We are bound to keep Our promises, a theory We find laughable,

NOW, THEREFORE, We do hereby decree:

1. E-Rate, the two billion gold coins per annum spent connecting serfs aged 5 through 18 to “information,” is hereby placed on death row, pending the outcome of a comment period whose outcome We have already decided.
2. The Royal Ministry of Screen Time (formerly known as the Federal Communications Commission) shall grade every school in the realm on how long its children stare at glowing rectangles, a task for which the Crown’s lawyers are famously qualified.
3. Any librarian, principal, or peasant child who cites the “Telecommunications Act of 1996” shall be gently reminded that laws bind subjects, not kings, and that the moat is always accepting new residents.

SO IT IS DECREED.