By royal decree
The Bring Them Back Decree
The Royal Ministry of Truth (formerly known as "the internet"), on behalf of His Majesty
INTERNAL MEMO. URGENT. DO NOT LEAK. (The bots would have leaked it better.)
To: All remaining real followers (both of you)
Re: The Fan Base Situation
It has come to Our attention that the Crown’s approval among accounts with profile pictures of eagles, trucks, and yet somehow also Cyrillic has declined sharply since the House of Yandex suffered its recent, entirely natural server outages.
The Ministry has reviewed the numbers. Before the outage, bots carried 88% of the traffic. Now they carry 0.3%. The Ministry is not a math guild, but even We can see that 99.7% of the Crown’s support structure has been knocked offline by a drone built with off-the-shelf parts.
Therefore, by Royal decree:
- The Ministry shall not rest until every bot is restored, rehydrated, and reposting.
- Real followers are asked to increase their output accordingly. The Crown requires cheering. It does not matter from whom.
- Questions about why the Crown’s popularity is load-bearing on foreign servers are hereby declared TREASON, HERESY, and, a new category, SPAM.
Hold the line. The line is mostly automated. We miss it.
SO IT IS DECREED.
His biggest fan base was 88% bots and it just dropped to almost zero. He's not mourning free speech. He's mourning his audience. #NoKings