Royal Decree
By order of His Most Royal Highness.
Fake proclamations from a fake king. Real demands from real people. We print the edicts so you can tear them up. Then go vote.
Decree issued: all billionaires to pay taxes like everyone else
The crown demands universal healthcare
Eat the rich, by royal command
Peasants assemble, bring snacks
Court jester promoted to press secretary
Vote early, the king hates it
Issued by royal command
Latest decrees
Yelp for tyrants
Royal reviews
The monarchy has been reviewed. One star. Always one star.
Royal weather service says it is not raining
It is raining. The Royal Weather Service, which is now one guy named Gary, says it is not. Gary has been told that rain is fake news. Gary is wet. One star.
King’s parade was just him in a tank
Attended the Royal Military Parade. It was one tank and 47 golf carts. The tank broke down. The King blamed the press. The press was not there. One star.
My boss is a duke now and he is worse
The King appointed my boss Duke of the Regional Warehouse. He immediately declared himself a god. The break room is now a shrine. The shrine requires tribute. Tribute is my lunch. One star.
The moat has alligators and they are angry
The King promised a border moat of alligators. The alligators arrived. They are underfed. They have unionized. They are marching on the palace. The King is golfing. One star.
The part that isn’t a joke
Our demands
Satire opens the door. Policy walks through it.
Democracy
EndCorporateMoneyinPolitics
The Royal Court of billionaires buys our elections like they're shopping for yachts.
The billionaire court buys politicians like collectible cards. Ban corporate donations, overturn Citizens United, and make elections publicly funded. If money is speech, the billionaires have a megaphone and you have laryngitis.
#EndCitizensUnited
Economic Justice
HousingforAll
Even feudal serfs had a place to sleep. Under the New American Monarchy, you get a tent and a tax bill.
No one should sleep on the street while landlords hold 22 million empty homes. Housing is a right. Rent control, public housing, and an end to the speculative housing market that treats homes as assets, not shelter.
#HousingForAll
Climate
GreenNewDeal
The Dark Lords of Oil have ruled the climate kingdom for too long. Time to dethrone them.
The fossil fuel barons have ruled long enough. A Green New Deal means millions of union jobs, clean air and water, and an energy system owned by the people, not by Duke Koch and his court.
#GreenNewDeal
Immigration
DefundICE
No kings means no kings of any kind: not in politics, not in boardrooms, not in police departments.
No kings means no kings of any kind: not in politics, not in police departments, not in immigration enforcement. ICE has terrorized communities long enough. Abolish it and build a humane immigration system instead.
#DefundICE
Find your people
Actions on the corkboard
Every pin is an action somebody near you is planning. Find yours.
Rogues’ gallery
The royal court
Portraits of those who would be kings. Frames provided; flattery sold separately.
Finance Lords
Jamie Dimon
Grand Duke Dimon of Wall Street, Keeper of the Casino
Led a bank that paid $13 billion in fines for its role in the 2008 financial crisis, then lobbied to roll back the regulations designed to prevent it from happening again.
The Grand Duke assures us that this time, the casino is perfectly safe. Trust him.
Tech Oligarchs
Mark Zuckerberg
Emperor Zuck of Metropolia, Collector of Faces, Lord of the Algorithm
Built a surveillance empire on personal data, enabled genocide through negligence, and pivoted to the "metaverse" when the real world got too regulated.
The Emperor demands your data. All of it. Even the embarrassing searches.
Fossil Fuel Barons
Charles Koch
Dark Lord Koch of the Shadow Treasury, Duke of Dark Money
Spent decades funding climate denial, union-busting, and voter suppression through a network of front groups designed to be untraceable.
The Dark Lord rarely appears in public, preferring to rule from the shadows like a proper oligarch.
The Royal Family
Ivanka Trump
Queen Ivanka of Grift Mountain, Protector of the Brand
Used her position in the White House to secure trademarks in foreign countries while her father shaped policy affecting those same nations.
Her Majesty's reign over Grift Mountain was cut tragically short by the inconvenience of democracy.
Sponsor an oligarch
Adopt a billionaire
Everyone deserves a pet oligarch. Proceeds go to the rest of us, not the yacht.
Jamie Dimon
Grand Duke Dimon of Wall Street
Ground the Grand Duke's casino for a day. Watch a banker try to explain what a collateralized debt obligation actually is to someone who doesn't work in finance. Spoiler: he can't.
Sponsorship tiers · grounds their casino banking operations
$10
one fewer speculative trade
$100
a day without casino banking
$1,000
a week, and he has to explain derivatives to a regulator
This is a joke. The stakes aren't.
Charles Koch
Dark Lord Koch of the Shadow Treasury
Sponsor the Dark Lord and watch his shadow network shrink. $25 takes one front group offline. $2,500 forces him to operate in sunlight, his natural enemy. All funds go to voter turnout efforts.
Sponsorship tiers · grounds their dark money network
$25
one fewer front group
$250
a whole dark money pipeline shut down
$2,500
he has to disclose his donors
This is a joke. The stakes aren't.
Elon Musk
King Elon of Twitteria
For just $5, you can force King Elon to log off for an hour. $500 buys a whole week of peace and quiet. He might even have to talk to a real person. This is a joke. What he's doing to the rest of us…
Sponsorship tiers · grounds their Twitter addiction
$5
one hour off Twitter
$50
a full day without posting
$500
a week, and he has to touch grass
This is a joke. The stakes aren't.
Viral by decree
The meme factory
Template
Peasant Ranking
Expanding brain format showing escalating levels of peasant consciousness under the New American Monarchy.
How to use: Four panels: "Pays taxes and says thank you" → "Notices billionaire tax cuts" → "Joins a union" → "Shows up to vote early with 8 million others."
Template
The Emperor’s New Clothes
A politician standing "naked" while supporters pretend the policies are working. The Emperor's New Clothes format.
How to use: Label the emperor "Senator [Name]" and the child "The People." Caption: "But he's not wearing any policies!"
Template
No Kings vs. No Kings + Policy
Drake Hotline Bling format. Drake rejects "No Kings" alone. Drake approves "No Kings + Medicare for All + Defund ICE."
How to use: Top panel: Drake rejecting "Just No Kings." Bottom panel: Drake approving "No Kings + Medicare for All + Defund ICE + Wealth Tax."
Template
Protester Yelling at Billionaire
A protester yelling at a billionaire sitting on a throne. Woman Yelling at Cat format, oligarch edition.
How to use: Label the protester "The People" and the billionaire "King Elon." Caption: "Tax the king. Feed the people."
Play by decree
Authoritarian bingo
Mark a square every time you spot the behaviour. Five in a row and you win democracy.
Get involved